《亲密关系》第十三章《亲密关系的解体与消亡》“请你思考”解析

Analysis of “For Your Consideration” in “Intimate Relationships” by Rowland Miller

When she reached the end of this book, Leslie decided to talk with her husband about her increasing discontent with him and their marriage. He had been considerate and charming when they were engaged, but she had come to feel that he had stopped trying to please her, and she felt lonely and hurt. She felt that she was constantly changing to accommodate his wishes but that he was doing little to satisfy her in return. He never asked her how her day had been. It was a little thing, but it nettled her, and it was just one example of his self-absorption and apparent lack of care. However, when she suggested that they seek therapy, he resolutely refused. So, she decided to go by herself; she went to the website of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at www.aamft.org, found a therapist, and made an individual appointment.

Having read this chapter, what do you think the future holds for Leslie and her husband? Why?

• nettle: 令人发脾气
• self-absorption: 自私
• resolutely: 坚决地

her husband

大五人格特质

依恋维度

        |
安全型  | 痴迷型
------------------
疏离型  | 恐惧型
        |

Leslie

        |
安全型✓ | 痴迷型
------------------
疏离型  | 恐惧型
        |

Leslie有可能是低自尊的，小题大做或知觉到根本不存在的排斥。人们不如自认为的那般了解自己的浪漫伴侣。这对夫妻应该先自己努力一下，试试看丈夫是否有所改变，不需要一开始就去看医生。有可能Leslie跟her husband聊天时，her husband没有接受到Leslie的意思。

her husband一开始体贴和有魅力，这是因为一开始结识别人时，我们会努力留下好印象，但关系变好后我们就不怎么保持礼貌、努力和端庄了。

亲密、激情是结婚的主要理由之一，但久而久之它会减少。题目中her husband有这现象，因为他不太charming了。

亲密关系中的冲突是不可避免的。

与从前相比，现在离婚更为普遍。

Leslie对自己的伴侣忠诚，她采取行动保护和修复她得到的满足感。她愿意做出个人牺牲，因为“she was changing to accommodate his wishes”。Leslie也顺应丈夫，只是现在越来越感到不满了。

her husband可能对婚姻没有特别忠诚。相反，Leslie说“我们”“一起”去看医生。

her husband具有果断自信等刻板行为风格，因为他坚决拒绝看心理医生。her husband有可能情绪紧张、疲劳，这时候不愿意顺应。一般来说，男性没有女性那么积极寻求心理治疗。

题目没有说the wishes of her husband是什么，但夫妻双方应该平等，公平地分担家务。

her husband需要明白，不能只在节日表达爱意，而是需要持续。

涉及伴侣双方的婚姻治疗最为普遍，但个人也可以从单独治疗中受益。

总结

Leslie有可能是低自尊的，小题大做或知觉到根本不存在的排斥。这对夫妻应该先自己努力一下，试试看能否解决问题，不需要一开始就去看医生。

Leslie应尝试从积极角度解释her husband的行为，比如他是不是工作压力太大了。

Leslie and her husband应该使用专栏14.1的技巧，包括每周分享伴侣的友善之举。他们应当抽出时间参加富有创造性的活动，增加感情。

Leslie可以选择一位有魅力的治疗师，让丈夫信得过，这样两个就能一起参与治疗。