《亲密关系》第七章《友谊》“请你思考”解析

Analysis of “For Your Consideration” in “Intimate Relationships” by Rowland Miller

Don and Teddi became best friends when they went through graduate school together. They started their studies the same year and took the same classes, and they worked together on several projects outside of class. They learned that they were both conscientious and clever, and they came to respect and trust each other completely. Each learned the other’s most intimate secrets. They also had great fun together. They were both nonconformists, and they shared a wry and offbeat sense of humor; they would frequently laugh at jokes that nobody else seemed to get. The night that Teddi finished her doctoral dissertation, they got drunk and almost had sex, but they were interrupted and the moment passed. And soon thereafter, they graduated and took jobs in different parts of the country; he moved to California and she went to Minnesota. Now, 6 years later, they have both married, and they see each other only every year or so at professional meetings.

Having read this chapter, what do you think the future holds for Don and Teddi’s friendship? Why?

朋友具有亲密关系的特征：了解、关心、相互依赖性、相互一致性、信任、承诺。

友谊的本质

“亲密的朋友能感受到彼此间的温情”。Don和Teddi尊重和信任对方。

“友谊涉及共同参与和分享”。主人公一起参加project，分享笑话。

“朋友还能彼此相伴”。主人公有共同的幽默感。

“浪漫的爱情还包括对伴侣的着迷、性的欲望和比友谊强烈得多的排他性的愿望”。在题目中除了主人公有可能发生一次性关系，其他时候双方没有太多的性欲和排他性的愿望，所以双方不算拥有爱情。爱情对伴侣产生排他性，所以主人公的伴侣不愿意主人公跟异性朋友太要好。这阻碍了Don和Teddi的友谊。

尊重：主人公双方都勤勉认真、聪明、不循规蹈矩、不落俗套，这些是令人赞扬的道德品质。

信任：主人公在课外项目上合作，说明他们相互信任。

资本化：“具有资本化特征的人际关系通常比资本化不足的人际关系更令人满意、持续的时间也更长”。主人公毕业后到了不同城市，只能在学术会议上见面。在会议上，他们还是能分享一些喜悦，这有助于维持友谊。但是不如以前那么亲密了。

社会支持：感情支持、身体安慰、建议支持、物质支持。题目中主人公应该有感情支持和建议支持。

“安全性的人能轻松地接纳与他人相互依赖的亲密关系”。主人公的依恋类型应该是安全型。

“感知到的伴侣应答性能提升亲密感，促进自我表露、信任和相互依赖，毫无疑问有益于人际关系”。主人公在异地之后，如果需要对方帮助，对方应该尽快应答，表现出关注、尊重、热心和支持，这样能帮助维持友谊。

友谊的毕生变化

“学生在家乡建立的友谊逐渐消失，被随后在校园中新建立的人际关系所取代”。

“当人们有了恋人时，他们与家人和朋友相处的时间会减少。这时会发生二元退缩现象”。主人公各自结婚之后，维持友谊更困难了。

友谊的差异

“一旦他们离开校园，大多数人不再会维持亲密的异性友谊”。主人公毕业后，他们的异性友谊会衰退。

“如果异性朋友和其他人结了婚，那么他们的异性友谊很难处理”。

总结

Don和Teddi拥有异性友谊，在大学时期具有比较高的友谊属性。可是异性友谊在大学毕业后较难维持，更不用说结婚以后了，因为会被伴侣当作情敌。双方虽然在异地，但还是可以是不是得聊聊天，分享喜悦，另一方要有高应答型，以维持友谊。