《亲密关系》第五章《沟通》“请你思考”解析

Analysis of “For Your Consideration” in “Intimate Relationships” by Rowland Miller

James loved deer hunting season. He liked to sit shivering in a deer blind in the chill before dawn, sipping coffee, and waiting for what the day would bring. But his wife, Judy, always dreaded that time of year. James would be gone for several weekends in a row, and each time he returned he’d either be grumpy because he was empty-handed or he would have lots of venison––and extra work––for her to handle. The costs of his gas, permit, and lease were also substantial, and the expense kept them from enjoying an occasional weekend at that bed-and-breakfast at the lake she liked so much.

So, when Judy handed James a thermos of hot coffee and walked with him to the door at 4:30 in the morning on the first day of deer season, she was already feeling melancholy and lonely. She looked at him and tried to be cheerful, but her smile was forced and her expression downcast as she said in a plaintive tone, “Have a nice time, dear.” James happily replied, “Okay, thanks, hon. See you Sunday night!” and was gone.

Having read this chapter, what do you think the future holds for James and Judy? Why?

“沟通时产生沮丧结果的伴侣在结婚五年后都不怎么幸福”。题目给了James和Judy的沟通问题，问他们今后的发展，这是可预测的。

查看人际沟通的简单模型，Judy哀怨地向James道别，James愉快地回应。这说明Judy传递的信息被干扰，经过编码和解码，到James那里被理解为愉快的。这是人际隔阂。“人际隔阂更可能出现在亲密关系之中”。

非语言沟通

非语言沟通的组成：面部表情、注视行为、身体动作、身体接触、人际距离、副语言、各部分的距离。

Judy强颜欢笑是面部表情。“面部表情蕴含的信息通常较为可信”。所以James可能被Judy的笑颜骗了。

“遗憾的是，……人们有时会刻意控制以掩饰自己真实的情感”。

Judy递热咖啡属于身体动作。

“你也可以借助不太活跃的副语言和不太愉悦的面部表情来表明你的不舒适”。James要去捕猎了，Judy感到不愉快，所以语气、表情等都不太高兴，而且话少，只说了“Have a nice time, dear.”；而James回了好几句。

“非语言沟通不良的夫妻往往对婚姻不太满意。而且如果出现这种问题，一般都是丈夫的过错”。James未能察觉到Judy的悲伤，可以算James的过错。

“男性在沟通方面做得很差却不自知，这似乎就是他们难辞其咎的原因”。

“如果男女两性都仔细看、耐心听、用心思索，他们在非语言沟通上都能做得更好”。James可以用此方法提升非语言沟通的能力。

语言沟通

根据自我表露和人际亲密过程模型，自我表露越多越亲密。“女性开启话题的能力好于男性”。Judy和James若要改善关系，应该由Judy开头讨论。

依恋类型与沟通：Judy递咖啡、送James到门口，她不是疏离型和恐惧型。Judy缺少自我表露，隐瞒感情，不是安全型。所以Judy应该是痴迷型。

James爱打猎，具有高工具性。

主人公沟通时，要避免数怨并诉：处理鹿肉、没空度假、油费太多等等。

在沟通时，要着重行为描述，使用第一人称陈述，说出自己的感受。

总结

Judy和James之间沟通不良，Judy伪装自己的情绪而James没有察觉。

他们应该好好聊一聊，但需要Judy来开启话题。James要仔细看、耐心听、用心思索。双方要掌握沟通技能，如避免数怨并诉，着重行为描述，使用第一人称陈述，承认对方等。

如果他们能沟通好，未来是有希望的。